Do you have a truly impossible narcissistic mother?
The narcissistic mother wrote the book on sending mixed messages.
Saying one thing and meaning another is like breathing for her.
Exclaiming, that she loves you without bounds one minute and then criticizing every move you make the next is crazy making for sure.
What do you do with her mixed messages?
When breaking free of the “spell” of the mixed message your most natural reaction will be to point out to your mother the error of her ways assuming she wants to know.
To try and argue with her so that she will stop hurting you and start being the Good mother you need is well, natural.
And while tricky, to do so can be a reasonable course of action in a healthy relationship.
If someone is hurting you, your best self-wants to point things out and try and mend the rift.
Why won’t mom admit she is hurting you?
Unfortunately for the most wounded of mothers, the very wound is what will prevent them from hearing what you have to say. These are the impossible, most difficult damaged mothers.
And I’m not talking about when you are 13 and your impossible horrible mother refuses to take you to the mall at a moments notice. Nope, I’m talking about the mother who NEVER concedes that she was at fault at all, NEVER truly apologizes and just can’t get beyond defending herself to see or hear you.
Yea the mom who has such a fragile sense of self that she just doesn’t have the emotional bandwidth to do anything but defend that HOUSE OF CARDS self.
If you’ve tried EVERYTHING and nothing “works” your job is to go forward and live your life for yourself.
And I am completely aware of how deceptively simple this sounds and how it will most likely be the hardest thing you’ve ever done in your life.
What are you going to do now?
You may find yourself explaining and explaining, exhausting yourself to try and be understood. It doesn’t stick. It doesn’t work.
She still doesn’t get you …AT ALL.
It is truly heartbreaking to face that you have been crying into a chasm with no hope at all that you will be heard. The little girl in you still pleads “look at me mommy, look at me -are you happy with me now?”.
These are hard longings to give up.
You may need to leave, either literally or psychologically.
. Walk away and claim your life for your own.
In your own psyche, you may need to stop trying to be seen by her and learn how to witness, soothe and “see” yourself.
It is that simple and that hard.
A very common reaction – both conscious and many times at the unconscious level (out of awareness) is to feel your mother will die if you fully live.
These feelings are rooted in deep unconscious messaging. It comes from a time when you were solely dependent on her approval for your very existence, or so you thought.
The truth is, your mother will not like that you are moving on without her, but she will survive. Her defenses will take care of her. Not perfectly or smoothly, however: you are not REALLY doing her any favored to dance to her tune if it is destructive to you.
When you do step out, be prepared to feel terrified.
You are stepping off of an emotional cliff. The ground you have felt beneath you has always been shaky, ever-shifting, but it is the only ground you know.
Perhaps you have always checked all of your decisions with mom. It may feel on some level comforting and right. But it prevented you from fully stepping into your life.
If you are real with yourself you realize it has prevented you from claiming both your mistakes and your successes, for yourself.
The bad news is that it won’t get any better if you don’t make the break.
The good news is that it will get easier and life CAN be better.
You will find yourself relying on your own inner compass. You will reap the benefits of expecting and getting more from your other significant relationships.
You will have the strength and clarity to leave behind relationships that don’t serve your highest good.
And you will have more emotional bandwidth to give to significant others in ways that feel mutual and satisfying.
If you are ready and want a guide who has been there and led other’s through, let’s talk.