1024(2)Did mom teach you that manipulating a man was the way to get love, either by her treatment or example?

“What do you think?” said Susan from the therapy couch, her eyes searching, eager to be reassured.

“He said he was feeling really close to me and that he would call. I didn’t answer his text until this afternoon, you know, not to appear too eager.

“Do you think I should have texted him right away or is it ok that I waited?”

As her therapist, my heart ached for her, but I needed to get the following across.  Playing “hard to get” is insecurity disguised as strength. 

It is manipulation. And insecure mothers use it all the time
What’s wrong with manipulating a man if it works, you might ask?

(You may not consciously know you have a choice.)

While it may “work” in getting his attention, it doesn’t work to lay the foundation of an open and honest relationship.

-One that is full of warmth, acceptance and honest connection. You know, the kind you say you want.

The kind of no make-up, no pretense, JUICY, soulful coming together.

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YEAH!!!!!

Now here is the honest to goodness ( you feel this one in your bones) truth; if you have to keep up the manipulation to keep his attention on you, you have to keep up the games.

What does this game playing cost you?

By manipulating a man,  you have stopped being genuinely open to learning about him or letting him see the real you.

Instead, you are looking for signs that your manipulation is working. And if it is not, you ramp up the intensity/manipulation.

You can keep this up for only so long before you destroy what you wished so fervently to foster – a loving and open relationship.

Besides, it just feels crappy.
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You can never guarantee that a man will treat you well, but you sure as heck can ensure that his energetic tone will match yours in a negative way.

( You may not be conscious of doing this.)

Competition, lack, and attack are part of his dark masculine energy.

Do you want to call those energies forward?

If you do so… trust, goodwill, and honesty have left the building!

Even though you know in your heart of hearts this is not the way to build a relationship that feels good, you may feel on a deep unconscious level it is the only option open to you.

In this way, insecurity is having her say and ruling the day.

 The “Good Daughter” frequently has a hard time believing in her fundamental lovability. She believes instead that it is only her people pleasing ways that are lovable- not the real her.

What’s more,  you are hiding what is best about you- the feminine energy that will draw the right man in. You give off the energetic tone of an invasive choke weed instead of a blossoming luscious flower glistening with nectar.

That’s right, seduction from a place of confident sensuality and open receptivity is sexy and powerfully magnetic.

This is the little-known secret to drawing the right man and the relationship of your dreams.

When you let insecurity drive the interaction ( no matter how cleverly disguised)  you will provoke the man’s insecurity, not his love.

When manipulation is in play, nobody wins.

If it’s games you want, you will call forth the dark energy you want consciously to avoid. Following your lead, he will play. And most men play to win. Winning for them means conquest, not love.

If it is conquest(sexual) with honor (heart) that you hope to evoke, you can drop the game and begin to start building a relationship.

Be careful what you draw forth.

Emitting and harnessing the right energy all starts with acting from a place of self-confidence.

This self-confidence starts with identification and love from that primary relationship with mom.

It is that simple and that complicated.

You may have learned manipulation by dealing with or identifying with your mother’s insecurity.

Sadly, mom may have lost touch with what was best about her and passed that on to you. From living in a culture that squashed her true feminine nature, she couldn’t pass it on to you.

But here is the good news. You can reconnect with the natural feminine in you and reset the tone.

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It is still there deep inside of you- waiting for you to claim her.

This is the secret to all male/female dynamics:

That’s right; you have this incredible feminine power if you choose to use it. You are setting an energetic tone whether or not you are aware of it.

Becoming conscious of how you are setting this energetic tone is the secret. This may seem obvious, but in fact, it is very subtle. The daughter trapped inside of the”Good Daughter” role of the difficult mother frequently loses touch with her sexuality and sensuality.

And you can learn this.

It will involve leaving your mother’s way behind. Learning to be real instead of appearing to be good.

What if you could cast off that cloak of self-doubt and emerge confident and whole?

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What if you didn’t act out of the insecurity handed down to you at the hands of your difficult mother? You have been working too hard at the all the wrong things. That’s right – exerting WAY too much effort in the wrong places.

You can stop the cycle of relating out of insecurity and learn to honor yourself.

Will you raise the bar for yourself and learn to relate from your real conscious power instead of the second-hand, second-rate tricks of manipulation?

Your mother may have lost touch with her goddess-given power, but you can become conscious and turn this around and trade manipulation for authenticity.

This article originally appeared on http://daughtersrising.info Katherine’s sister site.